THE WOUNDED HUMAN
In my book I draw a map of concealed injuries, asking: In what ways do people who are destroyed by their
wounds differ from those who even grow with them? How can we prevent the fear of more injuries from
suffocating our longing for love?
During the course of our lives we all become experts: The feeling of being left out, betrayal,
humiliation, breach of trust, indifference. Everyone has already hurt someone. Everyone has already been
hurt. A thoughtless word may destroy a childhood. A minor carelessness may result in gangrene in the
other’s soul. Sometimes, we also hurt ourselves by denying our origins and our own needs due to
lack of courage or false pride.
Long-term studies illustrate which protective factors people may rely on in order to cope with the most painful tests of life. It is amazing how these conclusions correspond with the findings of some leading thinkers, spiritual teachers, and scientists who have contributed to this book. Reconcile yourself with you and with the world. For it is your deepest wound that reveals your greatest talent.
Acknowledgements
I would like to mention three people to whom I owe a special debt of gratitude: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who is the leading researcher on happiness and discoverer of the flow. I feel deeply honored that he offered to write the foreword. www.cgu.edu/pages/4751.asp His findings in the new research discipline “Positive Psychology” have made a considerable contribution to my book. The eminent spiritual teacher Brother David is the person to whom I dedicated the chapter “The wisdom of the monk – Why the way to the heart entails gratitude, time for the essential, and empathy”. www.gratefulness.org I was surprised to recognize that both Brother David and Csikszentmihalyi, who is applying the methods of empirical social research, happen to recommend just about identical actions in order to acquire the capacity for everyday happiness. Brother David teaches us how to open our hearts and feel gratitude for the many little things. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi shows us how to find flow, and thus joy, in all our activities. And Bill Strickland, a visionary, demonstrates with the microcosm of his Manchester Bidwell Project how to transform drug dealers into individuals with academic degrees by means of orchids, jazz, and a handful of clay. And all this under the most appalling conditions of a Pittsburgh ghetto. www.manchesterbidwell.org
Contents
-
Preface by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
- Danger zones
-
Introduction and orientation
The landscape of our hidden wounds - How a single word can destroy
In the beginning there was fear - How the first wounds shape our lives
Crime scene school - Where children’s souls are crushed by indifference and coldness
The insult - Why it is so hard for us to pardon breach of confidence, betrayal and humiliation
The lioness and the alpha dog - How women and men cope differently with hurt
The battle for the child - How children get torn apart in a custody battle
Exclusion - How we banish the aged from the dinner table and then from our lives
Deceit and illusion – The real benefits of seminars, self-help gurus and travel
- Winners and losers
-
From the orphan’s pain to the hero’s triumph - What we can learn from Star Wars and Harry Potter
The key - Why our greatest talent is buried in our deepest wound
Scientific facts - Long-term-studies show the precautions which help us deal with life’s most painful challenges
- The "School of the heart"
-
Introduction
The wisdom of the monk - Why Benedictine monk David Steindl-Rast thinks the way to the heart is via gratitude, dedication and compassion
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and his theories of happiness - What we can learn from our children about joy, flow and the meaning of life
The courage of a visionary - How Bill Strickland turned drug dealers into college graduates with the help of orchids, jazz and a clay
The power of forgiveness - How we can reconcile with ourselves and with the world
- Acknowledgements
Reading Samples
Preface by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Humanity is getting too complicated and powerful for it to just go about its business like other
organisms. Too much depends on what we do. Entire species of plants and of animals disappear because
of our decisions based on ignorance and greed. If we blunder some more, we might pull the rug from
under our feet and humanity will disappear as well.
To make more informed decisions we need better knowledge about ourselves, about the things we do
wrong that can destroy us and the world we live in, and about the things we can do right in order to
create a better life — a life that matches the incredibly rich potential of humankind. As the Sybill
of Delphi said many centuries ago, “Know Thyself” is the key to a good life.
The man of the 3rd millennium is in some ways similar, but in many ways different from the men of
ancient Greece. To know ourselves now we need to re-think our lives in light of the knowledge
accumulated during the intervening centuries.
Andreas Salcher’s new book is a great help in this voyage of self-discovery. By reviewing up-to-date
knowledge about the human condition, he explores the self-inflicted wounds of humanity like a sensitive
physician, and suggests possible directions for healing them. We still have a long way to go, but
Wounded Man is a great beginning.
The beginning of every psychological wound is a carelessly uttered prejudice or insult like
“You will never succeed” or “You are too stupid” or “You are a loser”. With every repetition, these
statements solidify deep down in the inside of a person becoming a condemnation, although he or she
is innocent.
In the first months almost all parents love their newborn babies crazily without any “ifs or buts”.
After some time however they start comparing every little move of their offspring with others. They
wonder which child would be the first to start walking or talking and hope that their child would be
more beautiful or gifted than the others.
When a child starts school, the comparison gets objectivized and systematized even more apparently by
certain values such as: ”Who is going to get only A`s?” “Who has no F?” “Who is the best in mathematics?”
“Who is going to fail?” or “Who is the best-dressed pupil in class?”
Nevertheless we have to consider that not every single carelessness, every single neglect, every
single prejudice or insult and every single unfairness results in a wound. People are not going to die
because they cut their finger and bleed a bit. Rather it is a hidden mechanism that decides whether we
are culprits or victims. Accepting to be a victim, we suffer every time we are needled, where we are
most vulnerable and hurt where, as a culprit, we inflict upon our victims hundreds of tiny wounds, like
a tattooing needle leaves a design of damage. Tattoos on the skin are not easily removed, so too these
indelible marks of anguish and humiliation on the soul are permanent. However we can choose whether
these mark us permanently as a looser, or that we learn intuitively from the pain and rise above it.
Many little scars occurring constantly on the same site induce severe wounds. Indifference and disparaging
remarks consequently lead to the end of most relationships. The accumulation of debasements starts off
small but can result in conflicts, even between whole nations. Sometimes even a harmless cause can trigger
off a bloody divorce or a war between nations.
Admittedly, we can not ban injustice from the world or make ourselves feel responsible for everything.
But we can wake up everyday with the decision not to hurt anyone. Sometimes we simply have to ask
ourselves: ”Is it good for me? Is it good for others? Would I accept this behavior for myself?”
A damaged bicycle, a broken promise and its consequences
This is the story of a little boy who came to the US as an immigrant, unable to speak one single word
of English. For two years his father had saved all his money in order to buy the boy his first bike.
On his first ride the boy was hit by a car, the bike was severely damaged and the boy was badly hurt.
The woman behind the wheel was working as a doctor in a hospital and told the boy not to talk to anybody
about the accident. She further promised him to take care of him in the hospital and to buy him a new
bike. She was also talking on the phone to his parents telling them what had happened. Although they
did not speak English the parents agreed to this arrangement. The boy was treated in the hospital for
ten days but when he was discharged they presented the bill. He referred to the promise of the doctor
that she would pay for everything. But all of a sudden the doctor did not remember a single word nor
did she buy him the promised new bike. His parents had to save money for another year in order to repair
the old one.
How was the little boy influenced by this glaring injustice? He came to the conclusion that if you do
not know the laws of a country and you do not speak its language you will have a whole bunch of trouble.
He decided to take the responsibility for what had happened and to become a lawyer. This story is the
typical prototype of the biography of successful people who understood each misfortune as a problem
that could be solved.” Shit happens”, so what can I learn from it? People who failed in life blamed the
negative happenings in their lives to the injustice in society or misinterpreted them as a conspiracy of
fortune. They felt as unconscious victims and not as self-determined individuals. The little boy from our
story could have also said to himself that rich people behave this way, or that he is poor and cannot do
anything about it, or that women generally behave this way, or that bikes are dangerous and that is why
he will not ride a bike ever again, or all doctors behave like that, or ….
However he came to the conclusion that his problem was a result of his lacking knowledge of immigrants`
rights, thus his whish to become a lawyer. Many years later he joined the Truman Administration as the
Representative for minority rights and immigrants.
According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and many other scientists there is a type of individual who will not
succeed in life because it hardly gets over poverty, strokes of life or negative experiences in their
childhood. As an adult they retrospectively talk about their childhood saying: “Yes, my father was drunk
all the time and that is why we were poor and I could not afford to go to university”. They always hold
other people liable for their failure and its circumstance. The little boy with the bike, however, was
able to separate the wound from his personality and drew the right conclusions out of his experience. He
further wanted to help other people in the future in order to keep them from harm. This pattern can be
found in many biographies of people who have been able to develop a human quality out of their wounds.
We will find this pattern more often in this book.
The key - Why our greatest talent is buried in our deepest wound
Wound and talent are directly related to each other. The depth of a wound, however, does not have anything
to do with the size of the talent. Otherwise one could come to the conclusion that we only have to raise
the number of wounded children in society in order to increase the possibility of a future Nobel laureate
in literature. The key to the problem consists of how much importance we attach to the wound. We can either
use the wound as the source of talent or allow it to infect our negative attitude towards life.
Unfortunately wound and talent are not connected morally. Although some wounded persons develop a shady
character they become great managers, politicians or artists. On the other hand people with deep wounds
may become honest fellow citizens but they can hardly cope with life. As a matter of fact students deriving
from well protected upper – class families and good universities sometimes become crashing bores. Whereas
many successful business owners, managers, politicians or media people can also have no higher education
than compulsory school and come from lower – income backgrounds. This leads to the conclusion that there
must be different and higher forces than education and background which decide whether people succeed or
fail in life.
People who have made a breakthrough for themselves or others have one thing in common - the fact that great
accomplishments are nearly always derived from unconscious desires. The desires of children are basic ones.
They are happy when parents give them love, warmth, affiliation and protection. If these elementary desires
remain unfulfilled or sometimes are ignored completely, the wounds are going to influence the life of these
children, remaining buried in their soul for the rest of their life.
One of the main factors of our life is fear. Fear decides what we are going to do or neglect in our life in
order not to get hurt where it is most painful. We develop uncountable strategies and diversions in order to
avoid wounds. Sometimes we can use them to develop certain skills which help us in life.
The scientist and the monk – two languages – one message
The language of the scientist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and that of the Benedictine Monk Brother David could not differ more. But still their message seems to be the same:
- Joy exists regardless of material standards, the best example of which is love.
- Happiness is always deriving from itself and not from the things we get from it. If we do things only because we want to be rewarded in the future, our mind concentrates on the purpose instead of the presence, destroying the flow experience.
- God does not divide between useful but troublesome activity on the one hand and worthless but exciting activity on the other. If we can maximise activities such as eating or leisure activities, it can lead to a deadening of our senses. Sometimes, however, an apparently non-productive activity such as playing or routine housework like dusting can liberate a feeling of joy.
- Happiness can only be felt in the moment.
- Everything you do, do it with all of your heart.
It really would be an enormously precious task to rediscover these five simple principles in our children, to encourage them and to teach them how to be happy every day.